Beyond Linear Sex - Sexual Safety Conversations
Coming from a monogamous culture, we rarely discuss what sexual safety means in a long-term non-monogamous context. In many monogamous relationships, once monogamy has been established, people often don’t feel the need to have safer sex practices in place. However, it can be more complicated, emotionally and logistically, if one is having sex with multiple partners. So, let’s talk about it!
Barriers to the conversation
It can be awkward or uncomfortable to have conversations around sexual health especially when you don’t know people that well. Sometimes, people can be offended or react badly to these types of conversations even being brought up, as there is an incorrect assumption that only a certain type of person can get an STI. This belief is rooted in queerphobic, whorephobic, classist and racist ideas that are categorically untrue. There are no ‘certain type of people’ who contract STIs. When we don’t have these conversations, or worse, react badly when these conversations are raised, we are contributing to these stigmatising misconceptions.
Where to start?
Take some time to sit down with yourself and think about what is important to you regarding sexual safety, and how that interacts with others. Give yourself the time to think about what you would like your own boundaries around sexual safety to look like. Some questions to get you started for an individual practice might be -
How often do you get tested / would you like to get tested?
What sexual safety practices do you currently have in place?
What sexual safety practices would you like to use with future partners?
What does ‘safer sex’ mean to you?
What does ‘unprotected sex’ mean to you?
While we’re at it, what does ‘sex’ mean to you?
Are there different sexual acts you see as needing different precautions?
What does that look like for you?
With all of these answers, really ask yourself why this is or isn’t important to you.
Try to be specific
Once you’ve answered the above questions for yourself, now it's time to think about how that might play out with future partners. If it’s important to you that a partner gets tested regularly, think about what the word ‘regularly’ means in this context. We all have different interpretations of these terms, so if you have a specific time frame in mind, communicate that expectation clearly.
Judgment free boundaries
During these conversations, you might discover that your potential partner has a vastly different idea of sexual safety to you. If you have a personal boundary for your sexual health and your potential partner has very different boundaries, this is not the opportunity for shaming and judgment. This is a place for you to stick to your boundaries or intentionally decide to explore them and be aware of any risk you might be undertaking. You are entitled to ask questions about your potential partner's sexual safety practices, and they are also entitled to decline to answer.
Try to communicate expectations upfront and clearly. If you feel you’re practicing safer sex in a particular way and expect partners to do the same, communicate that to them, see how they respond, and if that aligns with their practices too. Be honest and clear about your sexual health status and your safer sex practices to allow potential partners to make an informed decision. Be aware that you might not be compatible in this area, and that’s ok.
The best laid plans
Try to remember that there are no sexual acts that have zero risk, many STIs can be passed on through touching, kissing, and skin-to-skin contact too. It’s all about thinking about your level of comfortability in risk vs enjoyment. If your risk tolerance is very low in this area, be aware of that and create boundaries that reflect that thought process. If you are happy taking bigger risks because that’s more enjoyable for you, that’s ok, just make sure you’re aware of exactly what the risks are in that situation (as much as possible).
If you’d like to learn about what safer sex practices might look like or more information about STIs, you can always reach out to your local sexual health clinic and make an appointment to talk things through with them.
