Let’s talk about ghosting!
Ghosting is the act of cutting off all contact in a personal relationship, suddenly and without explanation. This can include not accepting their calls or responding to messages.
There are lots of different ways to ghost someone. Some think it’s acceptable after one or two dates, some think you should let someone know if you’ve been messaging back and forth consistently for a while and you’re no longer feeling it. While ghosting can be used in all different types of relationships, I’m going to be exploring the idea of ghosting in romantic relationships in this article, usually in the early stages of dating.
Why do people ghost?
Often, people ghost because they’re uncomfortable or scared of having a potentially difficult conversation about ending the relationship. They might not know how to do that in a kind way, and so think it might be better to say nothing at all. It’s also become a normalized and often accepted part of modern dating. In the past, people often met their partners through work and social circles, making ghosting more difficult as you would undoubtedly see this person in real life pretty soon. It also wasn’t a normal part of dating then. However, now we often meet people online and outside of our normal social groups, the risk of seeing the person you’re no longer interested in in a social setting is reduced. This makes the idea of not responding and hopefully never bumping into them again more likely. While most people accept that they have ghosted someone, they still struggle with the idea of being ghosted, and it makes sense why.
What are the effects on the ghosted?
The person who’s been ghosted (the ghostee, if you will) might feel confused, hurt, sad and rejected. If you’ve been dating someone for a while, or even just had a few amazing dates, for them to seemingly drop off the face of the earth without an explanation can be incredibly confusing. When ghosted, many people often wonder if their romantic interest got hurt, or worse, to explain the sudden lack of communication. After a while, though, because of the prevalence of this practice, most people know they’re getting ghosted. It can feel humiliating to have developed feelings for someone, possibly spoken to your friends or gotten excited about them in your head, for them to just up and disappear. It’s difficult not to let our imaginations run away from us when you’re dating, and if you’ve found someone you think you have a connection with, for them to disappear can be extremely painful. It can also cause future anxiety around dating, making the person who’s been ghosted feel jaded and worry that this might happen again.
What about the ghoster?
Ghosting is a way of avoiding conflict, and when people habitually ghost, it’s often a way of keeping themselves safe from potentially difficult conversations around why they don’t want to date someone anymore. Constantly avoiding conflicts and going to such lengths to do so, means that people aren’t gaining the skills needed to handle these situations. Conflict is a part of relationships, and if someone struggles to send a message after one date saying they weren’t feeling it, it’s incredibly likely that they struggle to approach conflicts and difficult conversations in other parts of their lives too. For some people who are doing the ghosting, it can also cause anxiety, stress and shame for them, as they know the other person is expecting a message that they just don’t know how to send.
But, what’s the alternative?
Think about how you would like to be spoken to if someone wasn’t interested in you anymore. You can be honest, but you don’t need to go into explicit detail as to why you don’t want to date them anymore.
It’s undoubtedly uncomfortable to reject someone, particularly if you know it will feel out of the blue for the other person. However, being able to communicate if you’re not interested in someone can help you feel less anxious in dating in general. For a lot of people, the fear of how to handle the uncomfortable situation of not being interested in someone actually makes them not want to date at all. You can Google templates on what to say in this situation, there are many great examples out there that are clear but not unkind. You don’t have to spell out to someone why you’re not interested in seeing them again, but it’s kind to let them know if they reach out after a date.
And if someone sent you a rejection text and you still feel hurt?
It hurts when someone we’re interested in doesn’t feel the same way about us. You’re allowed to feel hurt and confused about that, especially if you don’t know why they ended the relationship. But as this article shows, if someone is letting you know they’re not interested in seeing you again, they’re doing you a kindness of not ghosting you. Yes, it hurts, but it’d hurt a lot more to just never hear from them again and never know. It’s hard to send OR receive that text! So, think about how you would like someone to respond to you if you sent a rejection text. Again, there are lots of great resources online on how to respond to a rejection message.
Dating is hard, so try and have compassion for yourself in all of this. If you’re really struggling with being ghosted or how to not ghost someone, this is something you can talk through with a therapist or mental health professional.
