Beyond Linear Sex - Decentering Penetration
Sex is such a huge part of life for many people (not everyone – asexuals are valid) but for many people, it can also be a huge source of tension in their lives for a variety of reasons.
When we are taught about sex, we are taught it means penis in vagina penetration (hereafter referred to as PIV). While we do hear about other types of sex, it’s seen as ‘foreplay’ in the lead up to the big event. However, for so many people who struggle with vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, sexual trauma, premature ejaculation, medical issues, lack of sensation, body dysmorphia or just straight up don’t enjoy the feeling of penetrative sex, it can be an isolating and confusing experience. How can one have sex, if sex is penetration and that’s not comfortable for you?
Breaking down what sex means to you
Why do we think of sex as PIV then? As a hangover from our puritanical and patriarchal culture, sex and procreation still go hand in hand. While society has moved on a lot thanks to birth control, at large PIV is still predominantly considered the main way of having sex. Even in many spaces in sex education, what is addressed is how sex leads to pregnancy. Rarely, if ever, are sex acts discussed outside of penetration.
By viewing sex through this incredibly narrow lens it means we are not allowing ourselves to lean into what we actually like, and are instead living out a script that someone else has decided sex is. It’s incredibly restrictive and uncomfortable (physically and mentally) and can leave people feeling depressed, isolated, or anxious. This can cause people to struggle to enjoy sex and to find it difficult to relate to themselves as sexual beings.
The idea of PIV sex being the only sex is also inherently homophobic as it takes out all other types of sexual configurations. Unfortunately, the idea that penetrative sex (with a penis, strap on, or other implement) is the only way to have sex is still common in many queer relationships. It’s a hangover from compulsory heterosexuality that everyone would benefit from leaving behind, queer and straight alike. Sex without penetration is no less valid than penetrative sex in all its forms. Non-penetrative sex is not a consolation prize when penetrative sex is not on the table, but something that can be wonderfully explored in its own right.
What can you do?
If you want to explore what sex might look like for you outside of penetration, take some time to think about what you want out of sex, including the emotional or physical sensations outside of penetration. You can decide for yourself what sex is in any capacity, and rewrite that definition. It can take a lot of unlearning to reframe your view of sex, and remember that this is a process, so try to be kind to yourself on this journey.
It can be helpful to think about masturbation in relation to sexual exploration. For many people they start masturbation by rubbing up against a pillow (see the new pillow saddles that you can buy), using water pressure in a shower or bath or by otherwise experimenting with their bodies, we acknowledge that this is masturbation in all its forms. So why do we allow solo sex to be many things, and partnered sex to be purely prescriptive? The private nature of masturbation can make us more inclined to experiment with our bodies. However, if we were able to harbor that curiosity and bring it to partners, this perspective shift might allow us to decide what sex means as individuals, as opposed to what we’re told it should mean.
