Beyond Linear Books - The Selfish Romantic by Michelle Elman
Self-help books can be a great tool. My attitude to them and the one I share with my clients is very much ‘take what you need and leave the rest’. If this book helps you, that’s great. If not, then that’s ok too! Hopefully, another book in this series will resonate with you. With that in mind, let’s dive in! The third book in this series is ‘The Selfish Romantic: How to date without feeling bad about yourself’ By Michelle Elman.
What I love about this book
A lot of dating books are outdated (pun intended) and really don’t understand how online dating works. It can be hard for people who are dating (single or non-monogamous) to use apps without feeling like it’s a dead end. It can also be exhausting to set up a profile, decide which app to use, pick your pictures, and that’s all before you even start talking to people. The world of dating apps has created an ecosystem around dating that many people find stressful and confusing.
This is where ‘the selfish romantic’ comes in. Michelle’s style of writing is incredibly accessible, she mines her experience as a single woman in London for 8 years dating using apps and approaching people in public, and shares all that she learned. The helpful mix of journal prompts and self-reflection, makes this a thought-provoking book that gives you a step-by-step guide for online dating in a healthy way, or as Michelle calls it ‘empowered dating’.
What I really love about this book is that it doesn’t guarantee any sort of outcome, but instead gives you a roadmap of how to work out what healthy dating might look like for you. The tagline of ‘how to date without feeling bad about yourself’ really rings true. There are multiple chapters about how to work out what your priorities and dealbreakers are in dating. During these exercises, you are encouraged to look at your needs without judgment. She also dissects common situations on dating apps, such as being asked ‘what are you looking for’. She explains that while you can vaguely know what you might want, you probably won’t know what type of relationship you’d want with someone until you actually meet the person, and that’s ok. When you do figure it out, she also talks the reader through the importance of discussing that potentially anxiety inducing DTR (define the relationship) conversation, in a caring but respectful way to all parties, including you. She really emphasizes how to focus on your own feelings during the dating process, as opposed to prioritizing if the other person likes you or not.
In this book, Michelle is open about her preferences in a way that contravenes the ‘laid back’ archetype that many people champion when it comes to online dating. Her outlook is refreshing and honest, she puts forward her opinions while acknowledging that what she wants in dating will not be the same for others. She guides you through setting up a profile to attract someone you align with, how to handle ghosting and mixed signals, and even how to manage the ‘I’ll let you know’ response when trying to arrange a date. All modern dating pitfalls!
With ‘forget me nots’ at the end of each chapter serving as reminders of the main themes, she also adds thought-provoking journal prompts. She raises topics that come up in dating with a lot of emotional nuance, and helps you coach yourself into working out where you feel emotions in your body. The book gives you the space to be honest with yourself and what your values are in terms of dating and how to actually apply them in different scenarios.
What I don’t love about this book
Michelle is a heterosexual, monogamous woman. So, this book is geared towards people who are dating in a more monogamous paradigm. There’s (understandably) very little information in here about how to handle online dating as a person who wants to date in a non-monogamous way long-term. Michelle does discuss dating multiple people in a few different circumstances – while heading towards a mono relationship and within a more casual dating space. During these discussions she does give tips on how to handle these situations respectfully. However, so much of this book is about boundaries and understanding one’s own needs, which is vital in all different styles of dating. With that in mind, I think this book is truly a fantastic tool for people who use dating apps, regardless of if they are monogamous or not.
