Beyond Linear Books - The Dance of Anger by Dr Harriet Lerner
Self-help books can be a great tool. My attitude to them and the one I share with my clients is very much ‘take what you need and leave the rest’. If this book helps you, that’s great. If not, then that’s ok too! Hopefully, another book in this series will resonate with you. With that in mind, let’s dive in! The first book in this series is ‘The Dance of anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships’ By Dr Harriet Lerner.
What I love about this book
This book holds a special place in my heart, it’s the first self-help book I read that resonated with me. In the past, I struggled a lot with how to communicate my feelings with people, often spilling out in ways I found embarrassing and uncomfortable after the fact. I found it difficult to say what I wanted to in a clear and concise manner, or often to even understand what I was angry about. I couldn’t tell other people what had upset me if I didn’t understand it myself - enter Dr Harriet Lerner. I have recommended this book to many people because I genuinely think it has so much to give. That’s why it’s the first in this series.
A lot of people, particularly in British society, where complicity and not rocking the boat is so highly valued, are angry. When their boss chides them, or a friend does something that upsets them, they don’t feel they can say anything ‘lest they make a fuss’. It’s seen as not worth it, the emotional turmoil for both parties. The author explains how the emotional turmoil is already happening, it’s just within you. This is something I discuss with clients regularly when they’re struggling with feeling anger or upset about something.
For people-pleasers, or those who have been raised in an environment where their feelings were not valued, it can be commonplace to turn those feelings of anger inwards, blaming oneself or generally feeling agitated due to these displaced emotions. Some people feel a low level of frustration or annoyance all the time. Every day there’s just a little bit more added to the pile, and suddenly you’re enraged and seemingly ‘out of nowhere’. This might be where you snap at people unintentionally, burst into tears, or have big arguments. This book talks about how to avoid these build ups of anger and how to deal with this feeling in a healthy way.
The author dissects how we get stuck in dynamics, which include venting, arguing, and ignoring the issue, hoping it’ll go away. It’s very emotion focussed and can help you learn how to trust what anger is trying to tell you. It talks about the foundation of listening to our feelings to help us create boundaries and if needed, how to air those feelings productively and clearly. What I really love about this book is that it gives real-world examples of how to communicate and process that anger. The book goes into great depth around women’s reactions to anger and how women are taught to cope with their emotions that are perceived as negative. It’s insightful and illuminating.
What I don’t love about this book
Unfortunately, the book is very binary. It is from a cis woman’s perspective, with the research and resources coming from and aimed at cis women. While I think there are definitely merits to the conversation about how we are societally often conditioned to process and display anger differently based on our assigned gender at birth, unfortunately, it doesn’t discuss any gender nonconforming, intersex or trans individuals in the book, and how this plays into people’s experiences of anger. This is a shame as the intersection of gender and anger is fascinating and expansive. The book was also first published in 1985, so overall some of the language is old-fashioned and a bit outdated.
